God Doesn't Love You Anymore

The Tennessean reports today that upwards of 38% of Tennesseans are getting the cold shoulder from the big guy in the sky:

Some 38% of Tennesseans surveyed say they seldom or never receive an answer to their prayers, and they are not alone. Nationwide, more than half of Americans say their higher power rarely answers prayer, according to the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life.

Asked for comment, the Communication Director for God, A.A. Gabriel, said that with the recession and fears of terrorism, combined with the population explosion, God is just having a hard time keeping up with the work load. "We've tried outsourcing some of the prayer calls to some of the Indian gods, but the language barrier is just too much to overcome," said Mr. Gabriel.

Ganesha, who goes by the name Mike when answering prayers, says that he just doesn't understand why Americans are complaining so much. "All I ever hear are complaints about wanting more money, better jobs, hot girls; its really disgusting. Here in India, we have countless people starving, and these people are complaining about only getting half of their normal Christmas bonus? Give me a break."

As a result of the poor Celestial customer service, more and more Americans are turning away from God and searching inward for solutions to their problems. According to Mr. Gabriel, plans are in the works to alleviate the problems, saying "we haven't had a good plague in a long while, I'm talking Biblical stuff here...while it might lead to a short term spike in prayers, the reduction in end-users would eventually be helpful, and quality of service would improve."